As always, my plans change quickly and frequently, although the main purpose for this particular trip still remains.
its a bit of a disconnect, but its still cool
hOW WAS IT? a month with no set schedule, no real plans, only a limited grasp of the language and & few ‘it would be cool if’s? iNCREDIBLE.
i WAS FREE BUT NEVER ALONE . eVEN SO, just as I needed to be there, I needed to return. My responsibilities are here. tHIS MONTH WAS PROMISED (BY gOD, OF COURSE) TO BE EVEN BETTER THAN THE LAST and i CAN SEE IT HAPPENing.
-just this afternoon, God made it apparent that He wants to teach me something new. That much I know. Why the cello when I know I’ll be traveling extensively (eventually) I cannot say, but the free hard back rolling case, crazy circumstantial discounts and awesome awesome God convo convinced me that the timing is right to start (another) something I’ve wanted to do for years.
wILL IT LAST? I’ll take lessons. wILL I practice? The cello is deeper, más profundo que un violín. I may not have gotten very far with Greek, Latin, Russian, or Hebrew but my stubborn streak caught a hold of Spanish for one and refuses to let go.
It could happen. It WILL. With favor and gifts come the responsibility to use them wisely. I don’t know what to do with this large wooden thing that I knew I was supposed to buy, but I promise to learn.
I’m running again. The good ‘ole Nica team early morning jogs down to the lake were painstakingly embarrassing at times, but even then I loved the feeling of arriving and now its at my own pace. cOULD IT REALLY still BE POSSIBLE TO Build ENDURANCE and eSTABLISH consistency? dAILY? In everything.
wILL IT LAST? I used to stop, a lot, and I stopped all together until last week, but Dad bought that treadmill under the understanding that we’d all use it. He bought me shoes so that I could run. With gifts come responsibility.
While in Nicaragua, this last time, with this latest team, God asked me not to speak. (For an entire day). I wrote them a note saying Today, no singing, chatting, translating. I’m sorry. You’ll be ok.
I’m singing again- to myself at least. It was amazing to see how animated I could become when I didn’t have a voice to supplement it, but tonight I belted it out. The voice is a gift too.
I’m even looking into school again. That’s a scary thought- friends are graduating and I stopped 2 years ago with an Associates. I found this morning that YWAM has its own school though. hmmm….
I’m alive I’m alive I’m alive again. I can hear my heart beat.
cAN IT LAST? I’ve been so ambitious with so little follow through.
I’m settling into but not confined by routine. The daily alarm is set for 4 am fun runs (walks). That’s new. I’ve found some pretty colors and actually knew how to properly apply them to my face. That’s very new.
No longer can my “NEVER HAVE I EVER”s include some mention of eye shadow and jeans at the same time. No longer can I hide behind indifference. It scares me- those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. I have not forgotten, i OFTEN WISH i COULD, but still I refuse to dwell.
“God has declared that you are new” (again)
It´s only about 9 am, but it feels closer to 1 or 2, considering that I just came from a team lunch (breakfast) at Kathy´s, its already 28° and the city is bustling. The athens team is already leaving tomorrow and another is coming in soon. Spring break really isn´t long at all! As for myself, I´m 1) grateful that school is not a reality for me at this point 2) almost wishing it was and 3) going back and forth between the sentiments of feeling 2 weeks is not enough time to get everything in and that I´m at risk of overstaying my welcome and should get going too.
Just like last year, when the Athens team knocked me out of a funk, this team has been incredible and something that I´ve really been learning is to accept hospitality when its offered. You have not because you ask not. It´s been wonderful to just hang out with them, pick up and emminate some of their energy, talk. I keep thinking of Audrey- a girl I didn´t really get to know but led me to where I am now simply by being there in Austria on my first trip. She was an intern, staying there for 6 months to help out wherever needed and her influence, among that of a few others of course, sent me searching for something longer term. I found AIM, they brought me here, God brought me back and as I´ve mentioned before, I´m still learning why, but the reasons keep coming.
I haven´t really gotten to know anybody from the team, but I have to wonder whether even just being here makes a difference, even a small one. Even if it lights a flickr of a spark that might so happen to get enough oxygen to turn into a flame which then turns into a fire when the Spirit blows over it, I´d be escatic. They´d probably never mention or even notice it, so I´m going to choose to be escatic anyways knowing that thats how things roll around here.
One of the members of last years athens team came back over the summer and then again this winter until july and as we were talking over breakfast, he mentioned that its not hard to come back because it just feels like another home, not like a trip.
I must echo that- first day tenia muchos abrazos- a lot of hugs and acknowledgement that its been a while, but in many cases it feels like I haven´t skipped a beat. I wander around El Puente and talk with the workers, go next door and ask for cacoa – a six cord (25 cents ish) chocolatey drink in a plastic bag tied around a straw. I walk back up the steps hand in hand with Nathalia- one of the translators- singing Cambiaré mis tristezas- I´m trading my sorrows- at the top of our lungs and laughing as I trip over the first half and she over the 2nd half of ¨estamos atribulados pero nunca derrotados…¨
One of the men that came with the team works for AIM and goes on countless trips and says he really feels called to the American church and that too echos what I´ve been hearing and seeing for myself lately. Taking kids, people, jovenes, out of there environment, shaking them up a bit, injecting some energy and passion into them so that they can turn around and inject it into their friends etc etc. I can´t do a week though. It´s official — I´m definitely not ready to leave tomorrow.
I don´t know what I´ve mentioned to whom- what has been written before, but I´d love to go to a place for 3 months on my own and then lead a 3 month trip. Habitually. That phrase sounds familiar. It might be in my journal, it might be here but yeah. That´d be awesome. Come home in between or visit a second or third home. yes. pipe dreams can come true.
vamos a ver
according as I said to you: My sheep my voice do hear, and I know them, and they follow me, Jn 10:27 Young’s Literal
I’m going back. I’ve known this.**
I’m still not ready.
*See Part 1
**see Holy Guacamole
As mentioned, oh, about 450 words* ago or so, I’ve prewritten some somewhat vague, colorful, intriguing, picturously saturated blogs so that you wont get too bored when i suddenly start injecting aim style stuff. Long, picture-less, formatless but possibly powerful stories.
I’m going to have some really powerful stories.
but I still need you to be praying. Please.
Next week, Monday, March 14th, early Am, Too early, I will board a plane with no clear idea, barely even a vague idea, at what the next month will look like. Foreign country, currency, language.
i cannot guarantee regular posts, to use the internet one goes to a cafe. I have not yet decided whether I’m bringing the small travel sized laptop I bought for its sturdy travel-friendly qualities meaning, for one thing, that i have not yet decided whether to invest the time in prewriting posts to be uploaded at a cafe.
I have not yet decided many, many things.
Side note: Caps feels like shouting.
(I can’t, but back to as generic of a font as I can go:)
2nd sidenote: everything looks sooo much cooler in windows livewriter.
my fonts dont translate 😦
actually they translate differently based on the computer. hmm….
This morning we heard testimonies, stories, powerful stories. No slideshows, no pictures, visuals, limited use of hands, a few choked up words, but only words. This morning, we wrote testimonies. Blank paper being filled with words. A silent class for maybe the second or third time in my short term quite limited memory.
No crayons. No colors. No sharing. The class will share in two weeks, but I will not be there. I’m going back to Nicaragua and although I keep saying I’m scared, I’m really not. I feel like I should be scared, but there is no fear. As of right now.
One of the verses that was mentioned this morning, more than once, was Revelation 12:11: “And they [the brothers, martyrs, Christians] have conquered him [the enemy, Satan] by the blood of the Lamb [Jesus!] and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death” (ESV).
they conquered him. together. be praying. Please.
We joked, but in sincere gratitude that this did not come to pass, that if any of the blood of Christ had been saved it would be a pretty high and lofty relic. These are some pretty high and lofty words. Their stories had some serious umph.
Something happened and word spreads fast when driven by passion and energy and truth. (False stories spread fast too, but mainly when driven by passion and fury and an energy that quickly leads to the assumption that its true).
I’ve often wondered how many stories I could have if I had been, would be continuously, obedient.
It’s never happened to me, and honestly I’m not completely sure I’ve wanted it to, but it could and I believe it will. Walk by faith, the knowing that our hope is grounded, firm, true; and not by sight, plans, worries.
That’s what this next month, these last few years, this particular life is all about. I’ve used 522 words on a blog post about going back to Nicaragua and all you know is that I’ve been there before and next Monday I’m going back on my own this time. I even neglected to mention that last part because it should scare me and might scare you. I honestly don’t know much more.
About a month ago I sectioned off a page in my journal for a calendar entitled, “[my] very very very very tentatively roughly sketched quite incomplete possible schedule” and it really doesn’t look much better or more filled in than it did then.
That’s why I need you to pray.
When one steps out in faith, he, she is commissioned, sent, and cannot go alone alone.
I’ll post updates and stories and testimonies and words of encouragement for everyone, but this post in particular is being steered towards my brothers and sisters, even the ones I don’t know about yet. (As in the last line of the AIM post, Never Alone).
I’m not here, as of this moment, to convince those that haven’t already seen, of the power of prayer.
I’m just feeling a deep need to swallow my pride and let those who already know help me. Emotionally, spiritually, even financially if you so desire.
I’m going back. I’ve known this.**
I’m still not ready.
but I will be and can be and am already excited to share the stories that will come out of this.
be praying. Please.