what’s up?

I found this prayer in the private section of an old blog – I got about about two posts in before these two blogs merged, but the framework for that one is still there and the message in this prayer ring especially true.  yesterday started a new day, a new year; as does today.


Private: new years prayer

God I don’t know what I’m doing but I know you do. You hear these thoughts as they ramble through all day every day- and they dive and scratch the surface and revisit the same topic again and again and again. you hear me at work atnd you havent throuwn me away yet. You havent told me to please, just once shut up for 30 seconds b/c you know i can’t. You made me to think. God, You made me to think intelligently though and Lord, I offer this day to You. I offer my thoughts to You. Use them. Teach me something. There’s gotta be something.

This year is yours just as much as this day is. Even more so. Thank you for last year. Thank you that a new year doesn’t only start tomorrow just as a new day didn’t only start yesterday. A new year started today. Dec 31st- Dec 31st; May 15th- May 15th; April 4th- the 4th of April. A year isnt the only valuable measurement of time. 4th of April- April 14th of the same year. You want me to go, right> thank you. thank you thank you thank you.

there’s been a number of years now where i honestly could say that i didnt know what was coming. i remember remarking that as a kid, it was always the same- school, break school. that was the outline of the year and all i needed to know. even when the school year started in a new state, it was still school.

You’re changing things, keeping me guessing. Thank you. You give me enough but not too much. You will be pursued, don’t run. Thank you for that. Now what> Don’t run too fast. He’s supposed to chase and its a game. It’s not fun if I don’t run at all.

Wait? How long? By all the book rules of when not to date, now’s not the right time, too busy, planning for something big, desperate. Am I desperate? I don’t think so.
Chiquita. Writing in tongues would be awesome, but even if I can’t express it here, thank you Lord for giving me that venue, avenue, out. In. Intimacy.
Thank you for being big enough to be personal. Strong enough to be humble.

This year is yours and Im looking forward to it. I love you Lord.


31 Dec
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Older: ambitious.

Privacy isn’t quite as much of a main goal these days.  I’m not going to type up and publicize an entire bookshelf of journals, but a lot of what has been running through me lately is so much more exciting, and makes more of a difference, when I get to share it.  Many times it wouldn’t be possible without letting it be public

Like this dancing phenomena.

Last night, Akron Chapel hosted a CCDA conference, which was cool for me b/c of a class I took called Christian Community Development in October 2012.

Cool stuff is happening in this area.  surely every area, but I’m partial to this one because its home.  I wanted to move out and Abbi (my main name for God, coming from Abba, meaning Daddy) put me in a live in nanny position a couple times a week right next door to my home church (and just for long enough to make a point and a few cool connections).  This is where I belong for now.  Yes Sir!

So, Abbi, ok.

So last night the choir was singing a lively song and the audience was sitting.  I was standing (generally a huge step in and of itself) and starting to dance in place, then really dancing in place, the hands taking over.  I felt that now familiar tug/ urge to move; an inability to not move and, being the only one in the row, I inched towards an aisle, knowing what would happen if I actually stepped out into it.

Maybe 45 seconds before the last song I did it and it was lovely and it was over.

Until they launched a reprise upon dismissal.

Then a piece of heaven broke loose and it was beautiful.

& then I went into the hall and saw people being acquainted with some of the area’s ‘best kept secrets’ and saw connections being made and names, including mine, finding a spot that fit them perfectly and a bit of heaven broke loose and it was beautiful.

& then I found myself telling a local leader that a dream of mine has been to have a site like Akron AA’s where the next prayer meeting going on in this city is readily available and all are invited even though the thought has only crossed my mind on a whim three to four times in the last two, two and a half years.

I had an actual dream last night that I crossed that man’s table and he greeted me warmly, asking, “what’s up sweet girl?”. What’s up, what’s new, how am I?

I’m eager and excited and easily disheartened and easily renewed.

I want to have a valid answer- one that shows progress has been made since the last time we met.

I saw one of those leaders Tues night and was given an assignment to find God in unexpected places.  I saw her again last night and just had to saw wow, mind blown.

And it was only Thursday.

What’s up, what’s new, what’s my desire for today?

I don’t want to lose a week full of stories and I don’t ever want my answer to that question to be nothing much.

Instead oh my, where can I start.

How about

  • Waking up to an audible voice last Saturday and having a phenomenal back and forth with the One I love.


You- my dear- have no clue what I want to do & through you. Yes – you fit & no- you don’t get a static (puzzle) piece.  you don’t get to define your role & then attempt to stick with it

  • Putting in the incorrect address to meet someone in Cleveland last week and telling Abbi, I don’t think we’re in the right spot’ only to hear back, ‘you’re not, but it’s ok’.  I pulled over & discovered I was missing a 1 and was five miles off.    I wanted to be annoyed, but when I got to the main lobby area and pulled out the phone to text my friend, I had one from her, received two minutes earlier, with her new room #.

God’s timing is impeccable- I knew someone who would regularly say,

sneaky Jesus!

and I’ve used that phrase a few times lately b/c it just happens so often.


So what’s new today.  what’s fresh and new and has to be told today because tomorrow will be a story in and of itself?

If the answer is still, nothing much, who can you get around that can encourage you, stretch you, and invite you to emulate them as they emulate Christ?   if that doesn’t sound exciting to you, I know- I get it, sorta.  eagles aiming for my head don’t really intrigue me either, but if that’s what sends me into the sewer where my Abbi is holding a blind girl with chicken pox, just needing a physical hand to lead her out of there so that she doesn’t die from the isolation caused by something so benign, then ok.  Count me in.  Chicken pox doesn’t scare someone who has jumped through multiple hurdles, had their toes munched at, gone w/o lunch looking for this lost child, hoping that their time in the woods hasn’t proven fatal.

When lost, adults wander, trying to find their way back. Children stop and sleep, expecting to be found.

What are you expecting today?




Might a question be asked

Might a question be asked to make one think, not instinctively respond with no care, no insight, as to why it was asked in the first place.  Might a question be asked not to reveal the inquisitive one’s fancy but to teach.  The question had nothing to do with his own desires; it was designed to challenge.  Perhaps it met its goal- it was designed to offend, although not in the manner that it did.

It was a valid question and I’m willing to bet, especially with what was hashtagged (#teensaccused), he wasn’t asking for himself!

If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her?

Continue reading “Might a question be asked”

spiraling up

spiraling robynejay

Draft from Sunday night- after a bit too long pressing the ‘random’ button in the toolbar, reading old blogs, marveling at how many could be written today.  Going back to Allstate– I just had my first day again- three years later. 

I’m almost kinda sorta getting closer to starting to recover from a debilitating fear of standing out.  At all.
One week short of three years later, I can say that the fear of standing out was like my fear of needles.
Continue reading “spiraling up”

Tell me something good.

Last night the phrase came up in conversation, “You have to celebrate the little things”.  I agreed and then shared briefly that my best friend is in a nursing home at age 27 and had responded to the phrase titling this blog post with

I was able to walk 5 feet today.  With my walker of course, but still- you have to celebrate the little things!

The gentleman I was speaking with stopped, stunned.

Continue reading “Tell me something good.”

Are you being refreshed?

Tuesday night I sat in the middle of the hall just staring at the huge panel I was supposed to draw a bookcase onto.  The cast surrounded me; my claustrophobia/ natural inclination to hide when the tears are about to make an appearance took over and I gave them very short, characteristic one or two word answers and the sad shakes of the head that are typical when I’m overwhelmed.

Last night I playfully announce to the co-director, a friend from high school, “I have a present for you!”.

Continue reading “Are you being refreshed?”

self-justification; “It’s not for me!”

A leader asks his minions to scrounge a crowd for food; they come back with 1 meal.  Enough for one.

Even knowing this man’s character, did the disciples assume Jesus would eat that kid’s meager meal?  Was the selfless leader tempted to yell out to the shocked and curious crowd “Don’t worry!  It’s not for me!

Or did he just wait, bless it and send it out as if he didn’t notice the incriminating whispers rippling through those who were just asked their last provisions.

They were fed and 12 baskets of extras came back.  κοφίνους, wicker basketenough for his disciples.  Did Jesus eat at all or only enjoy ‘food [we] know not of’ (Jn 4).  I wouldn’t put it past Jesus to have been fasting that day.

What about us- do we care whether people think we’re taking the last or the best; must we cry out our intentions or can we rely on our integrity to speak for us and the truth to be clear enough in time?

a cold Thursday’s thought

Hawking, the celebrated physicist, thinks that computer viruses should be considered a ‘life form’.
Like their natural precursors, software viruses reproduce themselves as parasites in a host metabolism, that of the computers they infect.
‘I think it says something about human nature,’ Dr. Hawking observed, ‘that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in our own image.”
That’s a cold ‘Thursday’s Thought’ if I ever saw one.

-Val Schaffner; “Faust in the Computer Age; The Minutes of the Lead Pencil Club {1996}

Ouch!   The book calls for “Pulling the Plug on the Electronic Revolution” and opening up this series of essays, ‘testimonies’ and rants brought such strong words so quickly.  The first thing I laid my eyes on was a cold Thursday morning thought indeed!

We’ve created life in our own image?  I would say no; I think we can only mimic creation, we can use what already exists and morph it into something else but we, humans, cannot create matter.  It’s still a provoking comment though.

The only thing we can create is destructive?  I think not.

Continue reading “a cold Thursday’s thought”