to stand up or get out

"So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears"
-Mumford and Sons


Referenced in a fb status, a casual glance says that’s cool and then attempts to move on before a flood of analogies and cross references and memories of tear stained pages makes that quite unlikely. 


I know my call despite my faults. 


I can’t deny that- although sometimes it seems God tells me what to do under the mutual understanding that I’m not going to do it.


And despite my growing fears.


Growing?  I’m not so sure.  The fear of missing my one shot at _(fill in the blank)  might almost be gradually overtaking my deep long-lasting mutually unstated agreement with fear of – I was going to say (multiple choice) A. rejection B. being undignified C. lonliness D. pain E. all of the above, but it’s gone beyond that. 

I’m almost kinda sorta getting closer to starting to recover from a debilitating fear of standing out.  At all.


It’s weird.  I refused to miss a day of school, but got easily embarrassed and hated going up for the perfect attendance awards.  Same with those accelerated reader awards in 5th- I read like crazy and was bummed to get 7th place, but if I hadn’t been such a stickler for going to school, I might have skipped that day so I wouldn’t have to go up to get the purple gel pen.


  I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I didn’t get that [*beepn*] B in cooking junior year when I went on that one field trip for like two periods and couldn’t make anything up at home since the oven broke and the study guides didn’t match the tests and — what if a few other strings were pulled to leave me in the top ten of my graduating class and I’d actually have to do something for that day I was supposedly working so hard to reach.  oops.


I know my call although it freaks me out.  For many, many reasons.  Always has, and alw-? No.

Maybe it’s true.  Maybe it always will.  Maybe I never will really want to stand out… Maybe I’ll always have to fight- against myself.

So tie me to a post and block my ears


Or have me join the choir.  One or the other, because I can’t keep sitting.  

(yes, there’s a story behind that.  see relatively soon to be written Part 2 for details).


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