Sleeping Outside

Thursday, June 03, 2010

11:20 AM

The only time I spent the night out under the open air, I didn’t actually sleep. Others did, curling up on the soft grass of an Atlanta park, but I stayed awake to watch, listen, think about what I possibly could have been getting myself into.

For our first night of training, 7 other participants, 2 leaders, and I roamed the streets of Atlanta, as a sort of welcome to how it’s gonna be.

And yet other than that night, I’ve always had a roof over my head, even if it is just a tent, there has always been something separating me from whatever might be watching as I let down my guard; some sense of security, even if it is a false one.

I don’t know whether I’ve ever fallen asleep on a picnic blanket or while watching the fireworks, but if so I know even then I wasn’t alone. I’m sure my parents were keeping a watchful eye and under their care I let myself enter that vulnerable state. Sometimes I wish I could trust enough to let my eyes rest; take my teammates at their word when they say they can watch and I can sleep. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t rest, even if I had wanted to. Their word wasn’t enough for my restless mind.